How all of this began: In the spring of 2017, my grandfather went to heaven. I had the honor of being with him up until he died. At the time I was in the middle of a job transition, away from my family, but near my siblings and parents. I was a fish out of water, even though the people around me were so familiar.
I have spent the majority of my life experiencing the end of life through other people’s eyes. It was a far off idea that death was something that wouldn’t be a part of my life. It was an out of body experience. In short, I was protected from “that world”.
My grandpa’s death was not a shock. He was 90 years old, entering into multiple health issues and we knew the time was coming soon. I still had a way of passively not addressing that this event was really going to come. And soon. I didn’t know if I should be in the room where Grandpa laid -he wouldn’t know anyways, right? I chose to go anyways.
As I watched my family say goodbye, and as I felt myself learn to walk through the emotions of saying goodbye, I was surprised by different things. The pain.
You know, that physical pain that manifests after a loss? I learned the process of surrendering that to God. Literally laying in bed, and in between sobs, asking God to take it away from me. There was nothing anyone could do to take it from me or make it go away. It would sneak up, usually in quiet moments of my day, but mostly before I fell asleep and antagonize me. I would hear the sounds of his final breath, remember the sounds in the room and be grateful. And sad. And angry. And….all the things.
My faith was challenged like it never had been before. I felt as though I had slipped into the ocean and was slowly sinking to the bottom, watching the surface of the water get farther away from my reach. Did I really believe what I’ve spoken for so long?
That is for another story.
I was also challenged by the intentions around my actions. I literally questioned everything. It almost felt like a mini mid-life crisis of sorts. “Should I have another baby?” “Should I move closer to home?” “Should we stay in Texas?” “OHMYGAWD I’m a horrible parent. I can do ABCDEFG so much better.” I was suffocating.
“Lindsay, what are you doing with your life?”
I recognized through writing and a series of events that I was allowing other people to make decisions for my life. It had been a sick disease.
Enough already. I was choosing not to go on my out because of that four letter F word.
I am a Coach. I am someone that coaches others through that emotion, and this ride I was on was fiercer than the wildest bull in Texas.
Hello Lindsay Joy was born out of inspiration of my grandfather’s watch. Time is precious and our time on Earth, in my opinion, has an expiration date. I no longer was going to live in a world where I allowed time to be wasted by perfection, other people’s opinions and fear.
I hired a Coach immediately to keep my mindset accountable and to call me out when I was heading out of my lane. He fiercely and kindly helped me jump and challenged me making my No’s a firm ‘no’ and my Yes’s HECK YES’S.
Life is worth living.
Receiving the gift of my grandfather’s watch has been one of the most precious visual reminders to me that my life is a season in the wind, and I will use my gifts in leadership to have a great impact on those that also want to grow.
Thank you for being on this journey with me. This is going to be a massively epic ride!